I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
