Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
