When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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