@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
