I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
