o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
