if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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