I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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