Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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