plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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