I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We don't watch enough power rangers
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
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