i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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