I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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