I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
