I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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