He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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