I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
