go do what you do best...puke behind churches
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
