Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
