I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
