i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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