I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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