On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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