I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
