He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
