what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
