I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
