she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
