I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
