Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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