I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
