i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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