Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
