I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
