I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
