My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
