also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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