Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
