its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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