I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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