I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
