Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
