My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
