Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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