I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
