I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
