I'm lost and stupid without you.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
