Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You took a bar mat shot.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
