i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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