I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
